Ah, the sweet smell of decaying leaves. The laughter of children scurrying from door to door yelling “trick or treat!” in a shrill that only comes from the anticipation of sugar. And oh, the whores! Wait, I mean... nope, I was right the first time. Whores.
When did Halloween become the new Spring Break? Just as I was breathing a sigh of relief that summer was over and I could break out my hoodies and indulge in some serious stuffing and pumpkin pie, Halloween happened!
How did my princess and fairy costumes from few years ago get replaced with the slutty witch and the FBI agent with a leather mini skirt and thigh high boots? Where did the few months between bikini season and my New Year’s Resolution go? Wasn’t I supposed to be allowed some eggnog and fun size Snickers somewhere in there? I'm not trying to sound bitter about the lack of carb and sugar loading that I can indulge in during my later years, but honestly when did the innocence of Halloween disappear?
I understand Halloween originated with the Pagans and Los Dias de le Muertos, and basically every aspect of any religion that believed in spirits and the continuation of one’s soul after the body has left this life. But just like many of these cultural staples is one’s religious and historical background, stories today have been “Disney-fied” to create a PG strobe light of images of classic literature and scripture. Charlie Brown’s “It’s The Great Pumpkin” and Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein” have all but faded away in their gloriously Hallmarked grandeur and left with visions of stiletto stalking mistresses and Jersey Shore wannabe Snookis. I look at the younger kids today and their Halloween costume choices and I see shorter and shorter skirts the younger the girls get and more testosterone driven outfits for the strapping young James Deans of our generations.
With a holiday stemming from the mischief and unknown of spirits among us, there will always be some devilish behavior, but in all honesty, what happened to the joy of getting a king size candy bar? When did we start having to check candy wrappers for needle holes? And why does every costume I think of this year end with the word “whore”?
I can only request that we all revert back to our youths of fully clothed ghastly characters and pretty princesses. Try to reclaim a hint of our innocence with a touch of a toothache. And for ghoulish sakes, I want more this Halloween than a hangover, I just want some candy!