Sunday, November 21, 2010

101 82 Uses for a Shellacked Gourd

1. Immunity Idol

2. Special “Friend”

3. Bunsen Burner (Gilligan’s Island variety)

4. Ironic Decorative Table Element

5. Company Christmas Bonus

6. Instrument for bludgeoning

7. Self-massager

8. Headdress (Carmen Miranda variety)

9. Shoe Horn

10. Earplug for Giants

11. Percussion instrument

12. Pet (Low maintenance variety)

13. Fly swatter

14. Bikini top (Note: requires two shellacked gourds)

15. Bookmark

16. Flotation device

17. Bicep Falsies

18. Clogs

19. Birdhouse

20. Bathouse

21. House for Small Animal Other Than Bird or Bat

22. Sailboat for Talking Mouse

23. Mr. Shellacked Gourd-head Toy

24. Scrotal Package Enhancer

25. Bike helmet

26. Athletic supporter

27. Place to keep your weed

28. Gift for your in-laws

29. Non-ironic Decorative Table Element

30. Lady Gaga fashion accessory

31. Bath Toy

32. Snack for Andy Richter

33. Muff for Mr. Squash Hands

34. Extremely unsuitable substitute for a basketball

35. Trophy

36. Tie Clip

37. Soup Bowl

38. Accessory to a shellacked Thanksgiving dinner

39. Accessory to a crime involving felons armed with petrified delicata

40. Objet d’art (Williamsburg hipster variety)

41. Object of Scorn and Derision

42. Paperweight

43. Car Seat

44. Fake nose for “Owen Wilson” Halloween Costume

45. Bong

46. Booty Enhancer

47. Neti Pot

48. Chamber Pot

49. New Drummer for The White Stripes

50. New Quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings

51. New Coach for the Dallas Cowboys

52. End-of-year gratuity for the newspaper delivery guy who skips your house every other Sunday

53. Place to keep your porn

54. Yankee Swap gift (Least popular variety)

55. Molotov Cocktail (organic variety)

56. Security bubbie for young child of struggling squash farmers

57. Ceremonial incense burner for touchy-feely Unitarians

58. I.U.D. (Birth control for giantesses variety)

59. I.E.D. (Road-side bomb for crazy, reclusive anti-government squash farmers variety)

60. Tea Cosy

61. Necklace (scoliosis-inducing variety)

62. iPad Case

63. Place to keep the tattered remains of your dignity

64. Passable substitute for fondue pot

65. Passable substitute for scorpion bowl

66. Jewelry box

67. Ammunition for your gourd-slinging trebuchet

68. A hot date (if you play your squash right variety)

69. Name for Billy Corgan’s new band

70. Stylish, semi-biodegradable hip flask

71. Ornament for your Festivus pole

72. Urn for Grandpa’s ashes

73. Codpiece for little-known, underappreciated superhero Captain Pattypan

74. Housewarming gift for new next door neighbors

75. Bitchen’ hood ornament

76. Not so bitchen’ winter hat

77. Horcrux

78. Place to keep your loose change

79. Excellent serving dish for party snacks

80. Condom (Makeshift variety)

81. Doppelganger for new Speaker of the House John Boehner

82. Viable candidate for 2012 presidential election (Tea Party variety)

Special thanks to Lisa Goeden Taylor, Michael Bourque, Doug Harmon, Deirdre Hickok Bridge, Scott Turner, Kim Crabill, Jeff Callahan and the Tabb Family Players for their contributions to this list. We tried to get to 101, but the mountain was just too high. If you have other ideas, leave them in the comments below. And Merry Thanksgiving!

There’s a pretty good chance that Sean Tabb resembles the guy your sister dated in college. He gets that a lot. There’s an almost equally good chance that he DID date your sister in college, and just doesn’t remember. He does his parenting, husbanding, living and writing from his home in Portland, Maine. Check out his website at, or follow his drivel on Twitter at

1 comment:

  1. Genius!

    83. Preteen girl kissing practice fake Potsy Weber
    84. Toaster oven (if you don't like your stuff that hot)
    86. Shiv (sharpen the end a little)(or don't if you're more just trying to make a point)
    87. Place to conceal the engagement ring when you pop the question (especially if ambivalent about popping the question)
    88. Butterfly motel
    89. Mouse cafe
    90. Base for a paper mache gourd