Leif Nordberg - Limits of a mere man (autobiographical)

Number of cups of coffee: 3 (until eye twitch)

Minutes listening to stories about your cat: 0

Minutes watching videos of your cat: Approaching infinity

Consecutive number of words writing: 750

Consecutive number of words reading: 400, cat video, 400, cat video, 400, etc.

Number of times listening to Donald Trump apologize: Irrelevant, never happens

Consecutive hours driving: 20

Number of times driving 20 consecutive hours in a lifetime: 1 (firm)

Minutes listening to talk radio: Approaching 0

Minutes watching NewsRadio: Approaching infinity

Number of times being in love: Undefined

Number of times saying "I love you": Unknown

Number of times saying "I lub woo": Irrelevant, never happens

Number of times writing "I lub woo": 2

Number of meta limits in a list of limits: 2

Thank yous for reading: A lot

I'm just a man. I have things. They are here.

Shannon McIntyre - Again

I should have known. Really, what else could I possibly have expected?

“Expect people to be who they are,” my mother told me. She’d told me at least a thousand times.

And still…

I stare blankly at the note on the table. I want to be angry. I want to

• tear it
• shred it
• set it on fire

– at least throw it away. But I can’t feel angry. I can’t feel anything.

I’m stuck. Frozen. Staring at those words.

Again.

My mind lurches back two months to the last time he’d said them.

~~~

“I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

I’d had the same frozen feeling then. Like a horrible re-run.

“What? Why? What do you mean?” I fumbled for my glasses on the nightstand, squinting at the blurry hands already buckling his belt. “Are you leaving right now?”

“It’s better if I do.”

“Not for me.” I pushed my glasses up my nose and studied his face.

Blank. Nothing. Complete system shutdown.

Again.

He looked away, mechanically gathering his bits and pieces into his pockets.

• wallet, back right
• keys, front right
• loose change, front left
• gum –

He gestured toward me with the pack. “Gum?”

“Stop. Talk to me. What’s going on?”

“I made a mistake.” He bent to tie his shoes.

“Two days ago you said breaking up with me was a mistake. You said – “

“I know. I’m sorry. I hafta go.”

As he started for the door, I grabbed his hand. His big, beautiful hand. So many memories in those five fingers:

• lighting my cigarette as he introduced himself
• cupping my breast as he fell asleep
• wiping tears from my face the night my mother died
• sneaking under my skirt on the long drive to his sister’s house
• waving goodbye to me five months before

I remembered that wave, long and slow, fingers spread. Casual.

+++

The casualness of that wave – it was so incongruous. Nothing in that moment had fit together at all –

• the casual wave
• his blank eyes
• my tears

– these were scraps of separate moments, not a single event. I had felt so surely that moment was wrong, didn’t fit, wasn’t supposed to happen.

+++

That moment hadn’t fit. Nothing had fit since. Nothing until he showed up, five months later, and that hand held mine. Tears opened his dark eyes and I glimpsed once again the glorious depths of his soul as he said “I made a mistake.”

And last night, in my bed, when that hand cupped my breast, everything fit.

Again.

• our bodies
• our hearts
• our souls

My eyes dragged up from his hand to those blank eyes. I felt a chill where his soul no longer pressed against mine. A squeezing in my heart as it struggled to pump alone. He had left me already.

Again.

I dropped his hand, laid back in bed and rolled over.

Staring at the wall I heard

• footsteps
• door opening
• door closing

As tears soaked my pillow, I wondered if he waved.

~~~

I pick the note up and stick it to the fridge with the magnet that reads “Boys are Stupid”.

I should’ve known. I won’t forget.

Not again.

101 82 Uses for a Shellacked Gourd

1. Immunity Idol

2. Special “Friend”

3. Bunsen Burner (Gilligan’s Island variety)

4. Ironic Decorative Table Element

5. Company Christmas Bonus

6. Instrument for bludgeoning

7. Self-massager

8. Headdress (Carmen Miranda variety)

9. Shoe Horn

10. Earplug for Giants

11. Percussion instrument

12. Pet (Low maintenance variety)

13. Fly swatter

14. Bikini top (Note: requires two shellacked gourds)

15. Bookmark

16. Flotation device

17. Bicep Falsies

18. Clogs

19. Birdhouse

20. Bathouse

21. House for Small Animal Other Than Bird or Bat

22. Sailboat for Talking Mouse

23. Mr. Shellacked Gourd-head Toy

24. Scrotal Package Enhancer

25. Bike helmet

26. Athletic supporter

27. Place to keep your weed

28. Gift for your in-laws

29. Non-ironic Decorative Table Element

30. Lady Gaga fashion accessory

31. Bath Toy

32. Snack for Andy Richter

33. Muff for Mr. Squash Hands

34. Extremely unsuitable substitute for a basketball

35. Trophy

36. Tie Clip

37. Soup Bowl

38. Accessory to a shellacked Thanksgiving dinner

39. Accessory to a crime involving felons armed with petrified delicata

40. Objet d’art (Williamsburg hipster variety)

41. Object of Scorn and Derision

42. Paperweight

43. Car Seat

44. Fake nose for “Owen Wilson” Halloween Costume

45. Bong

46. Booty Enhancer

47. Neti Pot

48. Chamber Pot

49. New Drummer for The White Stripes

50. New Quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings

51. New Coach for the Dallas Cowboys

52. End-of-year gratuity for the newspaper delivery guy who skips your house every other Sunday

53. Place to keep your porn

54. Yankee Swap gift (Least popular variety)

55. Molotov Cocktail (organic variety)

56. Security bubbie for young child of struggling squash farmers

57. Ceremonial incense burner for touchy-feely Unitarians

58. I.U.D. (Birth control for giantesses variety)

59. I.E.D. (Road-side bomb for crazy, reclusive anti-government squash farmers variety)

60. Tea Cosy

61. Necklace (scoliosis-inducing variety)

62. iPad Case

63. Place to keep the tattered remains of your dignity

64. Passable substitute for fondue pot

65. Passable substitute for scorpion bowl

66. Jewelry box

67. Ammunition for your gourd-slinging trebuchet

68. A hot date (if you play your squash right variety)

69. Name for Billy Corgan’s new band

70. Stylish, semi-biodegradable hip flask

71. Ornament for your Festivus pole

72. Urn for Grandpa’s ashes

73. Codpiece for little-known, underappreciated superhero Captain Pattypan

74. Housewarming gift for new next door neighbors

75. Bitchen’ hood ornament

76. Not so bitchen’ winter hat

77. Horcrux

78. Place to keep your loose change

79. Excellent serving dish for party snacks

80. Condom (Makeshift variety)

81. Doppelganger for new Speaker of the House John Boehner

82. Viable candidate for 2012 presidential election (Tea Party variety)

Special thanks to Lisa Goeden Taylor, Michael Bourque, Doug Harmon, Deirdre Hickok Bridge, Scott Turner, Kim Crabill, Jeff Callahan and the Tabb Family Players for their contributions to this list. We tried to get to 101, but the mountain was just too high. If you have other ideas, leave them in the comments below. And Merry Thanksgiving!

There’s a pretty good chance that Sean Tabb resembles the guy your sister dated in college. He gets that a lot. There’s an almost equally good chance that he DID date your sister in college, and just doesn’t remember. He does his parenting, husbanding, living and writing from his home in Portland, Maine. Check out his website at http://punctuatedequilibriumblog.wordpress.com, or follow his drivel on Twitter at http://twitter.com/pithnvinegar